Communications and Media

Report from a Pashtun Teen Arranged Marriage by Sher Bano
Nicholas D. Kristof-A New York Times Blog

Introduction
Those in the West, such as in the US and Europe are used to courtship before marriage. A typical marriage, in the US for example, would involve first a boy (or as is becoming common a girl) having a crush on a girl a boy or a girl on seeing a suitable partner approaches her and lets her or him know of his feelings. If she also feels the same way then they are ready to begin on a long courtship journey. Sometimes the journey might be short, it really depends. Only then shall the boy resolve to ask for her hand in marriage.  At the same time those in the West expect that one wont go about marrying their cousins, or any other relatives of theirs. Even when some of these filial marriages are not illegal they are frowned upon as uncouth.

On the issue of arranged marriages, the decision to date and marry is absolutely that of the parties that had a crush on each other in the US and most other European cultures. No parents or any other persons opinion or decision is sought in this process. But that is not the case in most of Asia, some parts of Africa and the Middle-East. And in these parts of the world one can comfortably marry his or her cousin. And they have justifications for such a custom. In most Asian cultures marriages are struck between families rather than the individuals involved. The so-called arranged marriages, while in other cousins or other relations marry each the so-called consanguinity. However, arranged marriage and consanguinity are Asian cultural customs that are not only bizarre but also highly misunderstood in the West. They are to most Westerners as cruel and primitive. But what are the facts and fictions on arranged marriage and consanguinity

Sher Banos story
Sher Bano is a seventeen-year old girl from the Pakistani village of Peshawar. She wrote on Kristofs blog in New York Times on her experience in the US. She came to the US, in the state of Illinois, and spent a year there as an exchange student. She learned quite a lot on the US culture and perceptions in general and on the issue of arranged marriage in particular. She also tried to put into perspective the issue of consanguinity. She claims that Americans are quite misinformed as far as these issues are concerned.  Americans, she realized found these customs to be cruel and primitive A stance that she found judgmental and to her it is unreasonable of one to judge cultures. 

Sher Bano on Arranged Marriage
Sher Bano notes that the dictionary definition of arranged marriage is a marriage that is arranged by someone other than the persons getting married. That the definition goes on to connotate this kind of marriage curtails the process of courtship. This definition is, on the surface acceptable (and especially on the part of curtailing courtship), but the author says that the kind of arranged marriage she knows of and that she about to take part in is quite different.

She informs us that the marriage process is formalized just as that in the West. She says that the bride and the groom have to sign a contract during the marriage ceremony known as the Nikkah.  But she gives us a marriage process in the typical case of an arranged marriage in the village where she comes from Pushawar.

Because it is against Peshawar religion to have a crush on someone, that is fall in love, as is the case in most Western societies, it is the role of the parents of a boy to ask for the girls hand in marriage-lets just say it is the parents who have a crush. It is important that a girls consent is first sought. If she disagrees then that is it. The boys parents continue with their search for another suitable and compatible girl for their son.

The fact that a girls consent and a boys for as well are sought differentiates arranged marriage from forced marriage. Indeed she says that there are considerable differences between forced marriage and arranged marriage. The primary difference is that in arranged marriage there is consultation which conspicuously lacks in forced marriages. But she does not rule out there being forced marriages in Asia. Forced marriage seems to co-exist with arranged marriage in most Asian cultures. In fact as we shall find out the bride or the groom are not expected to go against the wishes of the family. So in some way there is a thin line between the two.

The seventeen year old also takes issue with the so-called falling in love aspect that intrinsically defines courtship and marriage in Western societies. She finds all the drama, expectations and explanations as something to dread. According to the authors aunt, she (the aunt) learned to love long ago (the socialization process must have also included a lesson in loving). And may be this is why so many of them do not mind marrying people they have never been around with.

Sher Bano on Consanguinity
She also talks of Pakistanis custom of marrying their cousins. She admits that this is still rampant in some parts of Asia. This custom, she notes, is not without its merits. Marriages among relatives are done so as to keep inheritances within the family and continued closeness within the extended family. She also accepts that this custom results into some complications, and especially reproductive complications. Ultimately, the author says that marrying from the family is not entirely wrong but risky given the possibility of contracting these reproductive complications. But to her there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Many people, in fear of these inheritable diseases, are changing their attitudes.
Widely accepted marriageable age for Peshawar women is in their early twenties while in the US people marry as late as in their thirties. She cites a study that notes that about ninety nine percent of husbands in Peshawar are older than their wives. I will detail below the problems associated with early marriages. Child marriages tend to go hand in hand with arranged marriages. 

It is true as Bano puts it that marriages in Asia are often arranged alliances negotiated between parents (Shapiro, 2008). Such issues as whether the boy or girl are from the right caste or from a good family are highly considered (Shapiro, 2008). Does the potential groom have a good job, good character, and reputation (Shapiro, 2008). And  what assets (e.g., jewelry, cash, furniture) does the bride bring in her dowry (Shapiro).

Therefore, what the author states is quite true to some extent. It is true that arranged marriage is pervasive in India, Pakistan and some other Asian cultures that there are instances of consanguinity in some Asian cultures. However, Mehindiratta, Paul and Mehindiratta (2007) note that arranged marriage which is most common in West and South Asia, Japan and rural areas in other parts of Asia is defined as one where parents choose marital partners for their children. This definition is at variance with the authors understanding of arranged marriage.

It is also true that by 1998, arranged marriages in India were so common than the romantic marriage that the Indians had a term for the latter. This special kind of marriage that is not arranged is known as love match(Nanda, 1998). Arranged marriage is deeply ingrained even among the educated middle-class modern urbanites in India (Nanda, 1998).

Nanda (1998) also refutes the notion that arranged marriage is similar to forced marriage, or that one is given to a total stranger. Well, she may be a stranger to one of the partners but she wont definitely be a stranger to the parents. Besides, one of the parties is always at liberty to veto such an arrangement if she feels it is not up to his or her taste. Moreover, she found out that sometimes the bride and groom may meet briefly but that is after their parents had struck the deal (Nanda, 1998).

A Cultural Analysis of the Text
Parents play an important role in arranged marriages in fact arranged marriages are kind business arrangements between families and not individual choices or love matches for that matter (Murphey, 1996, p.196). Marriage is a family affair. And being a choice of parent, arranged marriage is seen to reflect the values of parents (Mehndiratta, Paul, Mehndiratta, 2007). Murphey (1996) also notes that marriage was seen by all as a contract between families for furthering their interest. And so is the case with consanguinity.

What is clear here is the primacy of the family over the individual in a typical Indian culture that practiced arranged marriage. In most Asian societies people are trained to put individual want second to family (Murphey, 1996, p.198). And as such even though the bride and groom may be given some free will to express preferences they were keen not to overstep the familys preferences (Murphey, 1996). And not only was arranged marriage an issue of the family, it also portrays the deep respect young people accord those of older age than them.

In most Asian societies and individual learns to humble himself before his elders while also putting the interests of the society before self (Murphey, 1996). This feeling, that one is always subordinate to the society or to those who are older than you are, are so reinforced that even the girls themselves do not find it as oppressive as Westerners may want it to be. One educated Indian girl put it my marriage is too important to be arranged by such an inexperienced as myself (Nanda, 1998). This statement reinforces the fact that family decision is paramount among the Indians. That as children one is not supposed to make such a huge decision as of marriage by himself.

The process of getting the most suitable and compatible bride is not an easy task. And in most cases it also involved go-betweens (Murphey, 1996, p.198). Go-betweens were normally older widows who surveyed the assortment of suitable partners in the area (Murphy, 1996, p.198). These go-betweens charged a small fee that was normally their income (Murphey, 1996, p.198). The employment of the services of go-between just shows how demanding it was prospecting for the right bride.

 There are a lot of factors that have to be taken into account when searching for a bride. Of course the most imperative factor is the reputation of the family (Nanda, 1998). The parents made sure that among other things the girl is not the kind to gossip and never quarrels it was also vital that the potential bride was not the independent type or was too educated(Nanda, 1998). Given that normally the girl changed her allegiance and moved permanently to husbands home, and where he would live in a joint family, those vices would not be compatible with such a life (Nanda, 1998). Any trace of these vices would disqualify the bride as this would be detrimental to the familys reputation.

In some unfortunate circumstances the bride may find it tough with her in-laws in a joint family set up. She might be the target of his mother-in law and other in-laws resentment for whom she is now a source of competition for affection, loyalty, and economic resources from their son or brother (Nanda, 1998). But this may be the case in any marriage, not only an arranged one.

Women in most Asian cultures become important after marriage and even more important when they bore a son. Therefore in Asia marriage and motherhood are high achievements for women (Nanda, 1998). The biggest achievement for a woman is to sire a son for her husbands a family. A woman achieved some status among the Indians, for example, by getting a son. In fact a wife, who failed to produce a son after a long period of time in most traditional Asian societies, was commonly returned to her parents as useless (Murphey, 1996, p.198). This was so because the prime purpose of marriage was perpetuation of male line (Murphey, 1996, p.198).

Normally these marriages were also accompanied with dowries. And though prohibited today offering the right gifts not necessarily called dowry is often an important factor in influencing the relationship between the bride and the grooms families and sometimes also the treatment of the bride in her new home (Nanda, 1998).

Bano says that a person in an arranged marriage has many people to count on in case of anything. This is very true. In Asian culture the family tree is extremely vital. And a bride who finds himself in a joint family has even larger family The extended family of her husband and that of her own. These two families remember, have developed a working relationship between themselves. So the bride has two areas from which to draw support just incase of anything. There are other benefits of arranged marriages.

Divorce rates in Asia have been really low compared to Europe and America. Thanks in big part to arranged marriage (Murphey, 1998 Jones, 2010). Just in case of a husbands death, widowhood is highly recommended. Women are not advised to remarry in most Asian cultures. But this form of marriage is not really libertarian. One is not really permitted to make decision on his or her own. It is the parents decision. 

An analysis of Consanguinity   
Bano, also speaks of marriage between close relatives, especially cousins in Peshawar. Marriage between close relatives is known as consanguinity and is very common in some parts of Asia, Africa, and the Middle East. Marriage between close biological relatives accounted for up to 60 in many parts of Asia, Middle East, and Africa (Denic, Nagelkerke, and Margarwal, 2008). She also notes that that sort of marriage is important to those who practice it.

Indeed, Bano says that consanguineous marriages have its benefits. True, these marriages between close biological relatives have benefits.  Such benefits include the aggregation of wealth, increased family stability and security, and better treatment of spouses (Denic,Nagelkerke, and Margarwal, 2008). But this marriage also has its flipsides as Bano noted. Reproductive complications are some of them.
Research on the issue of consanguinity has mostly focused on its reproductive effects. As Bano concedes, the custom is associated with a lot reproductive complications such as perinatal mortality and congenital malformations, as is the case with those who practice the custom in Pakistan (Ahmad, 1994). But there are other complications as well.

Denic, Nagelkerke, and Margarwal (2008) assert that a common finding among consanguineous populations is their long history of exposure to malaria. In fact, the frequency and degree of consanguineous marriages correlates with the geographic distribution and intensity of Plasmodium falciparum in the population (Denic, Nagelkerke, and Margarwal, 2008). And it is not only these diseases that afflict consanguineous partners.

Moreover, recent studies have showed that there is significantly higher rate of consanguinity of parents of epilepsy patients (Mehndiratta, B Paul, Mehndiratta, 200 7). There is also significantly higher rate of epilepsy among family members with consanguineous marriage for both cryptogenic and idiopathic epilepsies ((Mehndiratta, B Paul, Mehndiratta, 200 7).

Conclusion
The revelations that were given by Bano are really enligfhtening as far as demystifying the socio-cultural custom of arranged marriage and consanguinity is concerned. It is important to realize that these customs are not entirely primitive and cruel that they have some benefits, at least as far as the parties concerned see it. However, it is also vital to learn that these customs have deplorable effects on those who practice them. These effects are well understood in Banos blog and the foregone analysis.
Jones (2010) says that these are currently changing in Asia. This is in accordance with the forces of modernization and adoption of western values in most Asian cultures. As such people do not really get into marriages that are arranged for them. Also not many people are ready and willing to marry their cousins.